The pressure on me to date has been incredibly intense this past year.
Not only do I have my grandma on my case, but also my mom and my friends.
I'm sure that a lot of people question my sexuality because I don't date. That's fine. Whatever.
I'm just simply not interested in guys OR girls.
Many people find this hard to believe. They think it's all fake. I mean, who simply just isn't interested in anyone?? Well, it is real and I'm sorry that I can't help that.
I've tried to make myself interested. I've tried dating. I've even tried having random flings. But nothing works.
For "normal" people, it's scary to look ahead and wonder who you are going to end up marrying. But for me ... It's hard to tell anything about my future. I don't know if I'm going to ever become interested in guys. And I certainly do not know if I will ever get married.
I don't think that I'll ever get over this. And you know what, sometimes I think that I like it better that way.
Have you ever felt someone staring at you? You feel their stare enveloping you, penetrating through your skin. It works like that. At least, that is the best way I can explain it.
I first met N* about 4 or 5 months ago when she began working with me. We didn't say much to one another. In fact, until the last month she worked with me, it was just small talk.
However, the first time I talked to her I felt something really strange. It was like an energy current floating between us. Her pain at the center of it. I knew right away what this was because I had felt it several times before with other women. I knew that she had a secret. She had experienced something so traumatic that she had lost her sense of control. Yet, I said nothing to her about this. I know better than that. Because honestly, what kind of crazy person feels and knows these things without being told them?
The day she came in to get her last check was the day that I learned what I had suspected for months. After she left, I told one of the other girls I worked with about her leaving. We got to talking and she that's when she told me. I learned that she was 18 when she was raped by her boyfriend and became pregnant. She now has an 11 year old son. She had told me that she had an 11 year old son before, but I didn't even think about this being a possibility. (I did talk to N* later on and she told me that she was over it - something tells me that deep down she is still hurting).
When I was 17, my rape crisis counselor told me that she has heard of this happening many times ... she described it as being something like 'gaydar'.
According to many specialists, the cause of these experiences are auras. In N*'s case, her broken aura was what I was feeling. Auras are much more easy to feel than they are to see, which is probably why it was experienced in this form.
Do you guys
remember when I used to write in this thing? Yeah, that was a long
time ago - or so it seems. I realized not too long ago that I still
had this thing. I had taken it down for safety reasons. Many of you
left me messages asking me why I did that, so there you go - an answer.
So I had this idea. A live chat ... with me. Are you guys are
interested or not? I can set something up. I think it would be
awesome. Tell me what you think.
